When we got home my poor baby had to do light therapy for jaundice and had to stay in a light bed for 72 hours. It was so hard for me. I sat there and cried next to his bed forever. cried. cried. cried. I felt like a horrible mom that I couldn't hold him.  I didn't want to leave him. 

My mom stayed with us for two months (thank you mom) so although Jordan and I had a baby we were still able to go out and do things together without Emmitt. I would just make sure I pumped enough to get him through the time we were gone. But every time we would leave I would just cry. But it wasn't just because I missed Emmitt, I missed my husband who was right next to me. I was so afraid to loose him that I wouldn't want him to leave the house because I was afraid something would happen to him. One night in particular we went out to eat just the two of us and I could not hold back tears and Jordan would ask me what was wrong and I would just say nothing with the tears filling my eyes, feeling stupid. On our way to the car I just hugged him and started bawling. I couldn't get close enough to him. It was the weirdest thing. On the way home I tried to explain what was wrong. But I didn't know how to explain it. "I was crying because I miss you" sounded so dumb and weird. 

I also wanted nothing to do with social media (which isn't a bad thing ha) but I couldn't believe how selfish people were by wasting their time doing other things than being with their families safely in their homes. I would get so irritated that people would worry about anything other than their family and it would make me so sad. (obviously, I don't think people are selfish at all, I just had a different mind set at the time)

I also was so upset about the way I looked and felt. I had no desire to get ready because when I did I just looked flabby. nothing I did made me feel good.

I had so many different things that I struggled with the first month after having Emmitt. It's amazing how much your body and mind can change during and after a pregnancy and birth. I am so blessed that my body was able to carry a full term baby and go through the delivery process (not as easy as I had hoped) safely.